Thoughts of a Sprite

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Confessions of a 24 Year Old Drama Queen

Warning: The following text contains information about female proceedings. If you are Male, you may not be able to handle the specific content. Consider yourself warned!

Wow, just when I thought that everything in my life was starting to run smoothly. But hey what would life be without a few bumps in the road.

I received a call From my OBGYN yesterday, for those of you who don't know, I had to have pre cancers removed from my cervix and Uterus approximately a year and a half ago. It was not the surgery that bothered me, but the fact that it knocked the probability of me being able to carry full term (Pregnancy) to 50/50. Then I have to go in every six months to make sure that it has not come back. The last time I had my feet in stirrups, I jokingly asked how everything looks.... (any thing to keep the mind off the embarrassment of the situtation... Ladies you know what I speak of, Men you have no clue so don't even try to sympathize.) He says well it looks like you have had surgery on your cervix, there is some damage blah blah blah, at that time it just went to the Charlie Brown Teacher.... Not what you want to hear

So his office called, while I was at work. I had just sat in dispatch for a few minutes while the Dispatcher went to get a drink. Naturally they couldn't call when I could actually talk to them. They are telling me that it has come back, all the while the firefighters are talking and the police officers are talking, and I am like can you hold on. I felt like one of those time lapse recordings, where my life had stopped but the rest of the world sped up around me. My appointment is TODAY... What does that tell you, you can never get in there in less than a month? So in I go for another biopsy, and perhaps will have the procedure today as well. They do not know if they are cancerous or just pre cancers but either way they have to be removed. I think they should just do it all today, why put me through the humiliation of feet in stirrups twice? Last time he had to take samples from like four different areas, I guess some he cannot see, and if they come back positive then he will have to remove them too, so I guess it makes since to take biopsy and then have surgery... I just want to get it over with! I am really not worried about the surgery, I am no stranger to pain... I would rather suffer any amount of physical pain than the emotional drama I am dealing with now. The what if's that are running through my head...

All I want from life is to be a good mother. I have already lost two of my own, which is the hardest pain to go through. Sometimes I dream of life if I had not lost them, I wake hearing the baby cry, only to realize that it was me crying, and that there is no baby. I know that it was for the better because the Father was an arse... But I can't help but wonder. This brings to surface the loss that I feel for Andrew Lee Norman. My x's child that I raised for two and a half years. I would give anything to hold him in my arms again, to smell his hair, hear his laugh, tuck him into to bed. Listen to him sleep. God I miss that child. He was less than a year old when we got him. I would love to hear him call me momma again. But because I was just a step mom of sorts, I have no rights.

See the drama that this kind of news brings to the surface, feelings that I manage to keep buried and hidden from everyone, have resurfaced, and whatever glimmer of hope that I had has been extinguished. I know that if this makes the whole pregnancy thing a no go, that I can adopt, and I will love them too, but It is not the same as bearing your own child, feeling them grow inside, watching them grow.... I am depressing my self

Issue number two: Just after hearing that news, I was checking my mail on the way into the house, still in shock I think, and I received my rejection letter from UF. Apparently there is not a lot of room in the College of Liberal arts and there were more competitive applicants in the applicant pool... blah blah blah, insert Charlie brown teacher again...

This was just the icing on the cake. I did good for about two minutes, then I hit the floor in my room. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get to my inhaler, I couldn't stop crying. I just watched my entire world crumble beneath my very feet, reduced to dust and blown away. I called my cousin, and I am not even sure I could talk. All I know is that within 10 minutes he was at my door. I just feel kind of numb today. I would love to crawl in a hole and hide for the rest of the week. I definitely don't want to go to the doctor... We bought the movie Jersey Girl, and Mom thought it was a comedy, so we watched it last night... NO! It was a chick flick, all about this guy whose wife dies during child birth, and he raises his daughter.... blah blah blah I was in tears the whole movie. GREAT!

That was probably way more information than anyone wanted, but I really don't care.

shes_a_sprite @ 8:51 AM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

I think every woman can symphasize with your worries and pain my dear friend. I send you big hugs and lots of them.
Screw UF, they don't know who they passed up. :) You are amazing my dear! Always remember how amazing you are.

6:38 AM